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DIARY OF A MAD REMODELER
(or The Perils of Do-It-Yourself Remodeling)
This was published as a public service by the Home Builders Association of Indiana.
April 1 (Fool's Day) - My banker was very friendly; he wished I'd get a Professional Remodeler because I didn't know what I was doing. Told him I had received bids, but they are too high; I could do it cheaper. Best rate I could get was four points over the prime rate. He also said I'd get the money in stages after I showed proof of payment to subs. What nerve. Didn't realize there would be this much paperwork. Missed three hours of work.
 April 26 - Took 25 days for my wife and me to agree on the room additions. Never dreamed there were so many details. Discovered that my wife is a very nasty person. Think I'm getting a nervous condition.
April 27 - Told my neighbor about my plans to add an addition. He grumbled something about liking the wide open space. He's normally a decent fellow. We play a lot of cribbage with them.
May 3 - Somebody's going to pay for this on Election Day. You need a PhD just to fill out all the forms for permits and licenses. I didn't realize there were so many government offices. There was less red tape when I joined the Navy. Missed five hours of work.
May 6 - Started digging the trenching for the foundation today. My body aches all over. My wife says I should have had it dug by someone younger and in better shape. Told her to rub on the ointment and to quit nagging.
May 7 - Couldn't get out of bed this morning. Missed a day of work. My boss wasn't pleased with the explanation.
May 9 - The man from the water company was sneering at me when he said that any fool knows to call the utility companies before digging. Said I would have to pay for the broken line. I told him where he could get off and said that the utilities make too much money anyway and that I wouldn't pay. He was grinning when he left.
May 11 - My wife is very upset. Says she can't run the household without water and that I either get the line fixed or dig a well. Cost me quite a bit of money, but I'll make it up later by doing my own work.
May 18 - Told the concrete company that I didn't know how to figure yards of concrete and to just send the truck and pour.
 May 19 - Returned from work to be met by my neighbor. He was visibly shaking. The concrete truck had backed over his prize rare Japanese tree on the way in and spilled concrete all over his yard on the way out. He was waving a limb in full bloom in his hand when he told me to get in touch with my lawyer. Boy, was he furious. I told all the neighbors to quit staring and to get off my property. My wife was crying.
May 20 - The block company man told me it would be about two weeks for delivery. Said he had to service his regular customers first. I hate delays.
May 21 - The lumber man said that I could qualify for discounts when I had bought at least $250,000.00 worth of materials. I told him that was discrimination. He agreed. He also would not guarantee any quotes because lumber prices are constantly fluctuating. Told him I wouldn't stand for that kind of treatment and would shop around. Missed another day of work getting bids. Returned to original lumber man and signed up. He said due to backlogs it would take at least four weeks for delivery. I told him that was a hell of a way to run a business.
June 13 - Decided not to do rough framing because my back was hurting from lifting blocks and bags of cement. When the framing carpenter told me his price, I told him to go to hell. Told him there were doctors not making his kind of money and that there were plenty of others where he came from.
June 18 - Hired original framer, who said he couldn't start for three weeks, due to pre-scheduled work. My head hurts.
June 26 - City Inspector showed up to say that I had to pay for the broken sidewalk caused by the concrete truck. Said I'll never pay. Called concrete company and the man said it was my responsibility because that was the only access to my property. Told him to pay for the damage or I'd never pay the concrete bill.
 June 30 - Received a bill from the city today stipulating that I must pay the bill or my building permit would be revoked. Also received a registered letter with a lien against my property for payment of the concrete bill. I kicked my dog for the first time.
July 3 - Lumber finally arrived. I was so excited. Called the framer and he said there would be a three week delay. One of his remodelers had a job for him and he had to take care of his steady customers first. I thought I'd vomit.
July 7 - Most of the lumber and all of my tools were stolen. If I ever get my hands on those thieves, I'll ……
July 24 - Another load of lumber delivered. Called carpenter and he said there would be another week delay. His daughter was getting married. I told him that his delays were getting on my nerves and that it was his fault that my lumber and tools were stolen. He suggested I get another carpenter. I relented, apologized and begged.
July 26 - Awfully tired. Slept by the front room window watching the lumber all night. My boss said I didn't look too good. He hoped I would shape up my work.
September 3 - Structure looks beautiful. At least it should be closed up by cold weather. My neighbor said it looked like I had built over the easement. I told him to get a survey if he didn't like it.
September 28 - I fell off the roof today and sprained my ankle. My wife just keeps nagging. Told her to leave me alone and that I never loved her, anyway. Went to work on crutches.
October 6 - Tore out wall of house for access. Wife snapped at me for ruining the carpet. Told her I would square out a section for tile in that spot.
October 8 - Noticed red tag on my project. The Building Inspector explained that the framer had not built according to the code and corrections had to be made. I told him I was "big" in the Party and I wouldn't stand for this and neither would my friends in high places. He urged me to continue my political involvement and to make corrections or no more construction.
October 9 - Had some terse words for carpenter, but didn't know what to tell him to correct. Told him to work it out with the inspector. Felt like a fool.
October 13 - Scheduled plumbing, cabinets, wiring, and furnace man - all of them at the same time. I just didn't care anymore; my doctor told me that I now have high blood pressure and that I was drinking too much.
October 22 - Wife and kids are all mad. Said they were freezing at night and that I'd better hurry.
October 23 - Drywall man asked why I didn't insulate the rooms. To save face, I told him he showed up on the wrong date. He was very disgusted. Man at insulation company asked me if I knew how to comply with the federal energy standards? I told him that it was none of the federal government's business. I know I bought too much insulation.
November 4 - Missed another day of work.
November 18 - Received certified letter informing me that my neighbors had filed suit against my encroachment. Also received two irate calls from companies demanding immediate payments. Told the boss to "get off my case" that same day.
December 9 - Started going to an analyst. He said I should be better organized and should have hired a Professional Remodeler to do the work. Said my mind and my body had suffered through an extreme emotional ordeal. Told him the only way his fee schedule could be higher is for him to become a carpenter.
December 12 - Kids spilled paint all over the new carpeting and on the woodwork. I just smiled and told them I'd get even if it took the rest of my life. I now keep a flask in my glove compartment to ward off the cold chills of winter.
December 25 - Told the family the reason there was no gift exchange this year is because I had a sizeable over-run on the room additions. I promised next year would be better. My wife mumbled something about ignoring her advice in getting a Professional Remodeler in the first place. I retorted that if she was so smart, why did she even stay married to me?
December 26 - My wife sued me for divorce today. Said she would no longer live with a man of my temperament and drinking habits. Said she was going to sue for the house and wanted the new rooms finished and furnished. I headed for the glove compartment.
December 28 - Showed up for work with an awful headache. Boss told me that I should begin the New Year by utilizing my talents elsewhere. Said he'd give me a good recommendation as a Remodeler. Smart aleck!
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